Karen looked over her itinerary while
cradling the phone against her ear. “Yes, Blanch. There are five ladies coming this
afternoon. They’ll be here any minute. What do you mean you aren’t coming? I’m
not a life coach. I’m just a secretary.” Karen pinched the bridge of her nose.
“I’ve never taken lead at a team building before. Well, thank you for the vote
of confidence but why aren’t you going to be here again? Yes, I have the table
all laid out. It looks great. But wait. Are you sure? Okay, but what if...Blanch?
Are you there?” She sighed loudly. They
aren’t going to like me. They’ll know I’m not really a life coach. They’ll all
demand their money back and I’ll get fired! Karen struggled to get her imagination
under control. “Deep breath. You can do this Karen,” she whispered to herself.
She turned toward the door to find an
older lady dressed entirely in pink standing just behind her. “Oh. I’m sorry. I
didn’t hear the door.” Karen extended her hand.
“I didn’t use the door.” The woman looked
around distastefully, waving off the offered handshake with a pink-gloved hand.
A little confused, Karen nervously
arranged the napkins while the lady in pink positioned herself at the head of
the table. Two young women strode through the door. A tall redhead dressed in
shades of green with flowers in her hair headed straight to the planter boxes
where large ferns spilled out reaching for the sun. The pretty blonde snagged a
cookie from the table and hopped up to sit on the window sill. She moved with
feline grace in her tight black pants and leather jacket. Karen smiled widely,
about to introduce herself when the door slammed against the wall as it was
kicked open.
“Hello, girls.” A petite young woman
dressed in brightly colored tights and a very short skirt sauntered in carrying
a baseball bat. There were streaks of pink and blue in her platinum hair.
“I can take that for you if you’d like.”
Karen offered, reaching for the bat. “We didn’t plan for baseball, but there
are several great activities this weekend.
“Okay.” The colorful nymph surrendered the
bat, popping her gum in spectacular fashion.
Karen leaned in closer. “Your mascara is a
little smudged.”
The girl leaned in closer still. “I like
it that way,” she whispered.
Karen plastered on her best smile. “Oh of
course. We are all about choices here. Everyone should have their own personal
style.” She glanced at her itinerary again. “We have just one more …” She trailed
off as she noticed the elegant Asian woman, dressed all in gray, leaning in the
corner. “Oh. Didn’t see you there.”
“I’m glad everyone made it here. Welcome
to Garden Lodge. My name is Karen and I’ll be your guide on this fun and
hopefully transformative weekend. We have some wonderful activities planned. You
are just going to love it. Now we can begin with introductions. Just tell your
name, a little about yourself and what you hope to get out of this retreat.”
After a long awkward silence, Karen continued. “I’ll start us off. My name is
Karen P., and believe it or not this is my first time to lead a team building
retreat. I enjoy cooking and scrapbooking. This weekend I hope to make some
lasting friendships. Now, who’s next?”
“I’ll go.” The colorful nymph spoke up. “My
name is Harley Q. I like long walks on the beach and creating mayhem with my
Pooky. He’s quite the joker. I wanted to get out of this retreat all together
but it is court appointed so, here I am.”
“And what would you like to accomplish
this weekend?” Karen chimed.
“My shrink thinks I need to learn to bond
with other women. I just want to get through this thing without killing anyone.
The Doc was really adamant about that. You know, the not killing part.” She
blew a big purple bubble and popped her gum loudly.
Karen swallowed hard. “Ooookay, who’s
next?” Her gaze landed on the older lady in pink.
“I am Dolores U., formerly headmistress at
Hogwarts School.” She spoke with a squeaky British accent. “I am an educator
and strict disciplinarian. For instance, that gum smacking would not be
tolerated if I were in charge.”
“Good thing you ain’t in charge then.” The
cute blonde sitting in the window sill spoke up. Harley laughed, popping her
gum in a machine gun fashion.
Dolores cleared her throat and continued.
“I like a good strong spot of tea, all shades of pink, and kittens. I don’t
care for cats but I do adore the little ones.”
The redhead in the back of the room
sniggered. “If she likes kittens, what does she do with them when they grow
up?”
The blonde perched in the window bounded
soundlessly to the floor. “What’s wrong with cats? I like cats, little and big
ones.” Dolores shot her a nasty look.
Karen stepped up to diffuse the
situation. She turned to the blonde.
“What can you tell us about yourself?”
The blonde turned dismissively from the
older woman. “My name is Selina K. I’m here because Ivy thought it would be fun.
I like fun.” She raised an eyebrow at her friend. “Better be fun.”
“And what do you do?” Karen tried to keep
the conversation going.
Selina chuckled. “I’m in acquisitions. I
like to acquire pretty things.”
“And you?” Karen addressed the redhead.
“My name is Ivy,” she stated dreamily. “I
like plants.” She turned from the group to gently stroke the fronds of the
fern.
“So we have Harley, Dolores, Selina, and
Ivy.” Karen gripped the back of a chair so the ladies would not see her nervousness.
She looked to the silent woman in the corner. “Would you like to introduce
yourself?”
“I am Talia A., daughter of the Demon Head
and leader of the League of Assassins. I am here to hone my social skills.”
“That’s just wonderful.” Karen gushed.
“Now you ladies get acquainted. Help yourself to the buffet. There are mimosas!
I’m just going to pop back to the kitchen and make sure everything is ship
shape.” Karen pushed through the swinging doors, stumbled past the kitchen
staff, and scurried to the storage closet. She fumbled with her phone.
“Blanch!” She whispered vehemently. “Voicemail? Pick up, Blanch. I don’t think
arts and crafts are going to cut it with these ladies. Call me back!” Karen
hissed.
After their meal Karen showed the ladies
around the lodge. “This is where we’ll be sleeping.” She opened the door to a
large bedroom with six twin beds. It was nicely appointed with dressers and
comfy chairs. The potted plants around the room made it homey and elegant.
“You expect us to all sleep in the same
room?” Dolores’ tone was caustic.
“Aww, come on Pinky D.” Harley performed a
perfect handstand. “It’ll be just like summer camp.” She somersaulted across
the room landing with a thump. Ivy applauded. Harley took a bow.
“Now Dolores,” Karen interjected. “This
event is about team building and making connections. That’s why we all stay
together. We’ll do everything as a team. Earlier I don’t believe you had a
chance to tell us what you hope to get from this weekend. Why did you choose
this retreat?”
Dolores looked embarrassed. All eyes
turned to her. Her face glowed the same color as her bright pink jacket. “I had
a Groupon.” There was a moment of silence before the chuckling started. Selina
laughed out loud. Even the stoic Talia cracked a smile. Dolores was
unapologetic. “I like Groupon.”
After the ensuing laughter subsided Karen
remarked. “I love Groupon. And I’m so happy to know that our promotion paid
off.” She continued with the tour. “The
dining room is where we’ll have our meetings. There’s a solarium. I just call
it a screened porch.” She laughed nervously. “There’s also a hiking trail on
the property. It goes through the trees back to an abandoned quarry. That’s a
nice place to walk but I don’t recommend swimming there. It’s quite deep and I
believe unsafe.”
“I knew this area looked familiar. I’ve
been to that quarry with Pooky. It’s a good place to dump a bod…” Harley
hesitated. “There may be stuff in the water. Well, there’s definitely stuff in
the water,” she cackled.
Karen cleared her throat. “After we get
our things squared away, I have a surprise for you.” Half an hour later, Karen had
the ladies loaded into a van. The driver delivered them to their destination.
As they exited the van Talia remarked.
“This is your surprise? An escape room? You honestly don’t have any idea who we
are.” She shook her head at Karen.
They were escorted into a large room with
gothic furniture and floor to ceiling bookshelves. Karen rubbed her hands
together. “This is going to be so much fun! Once they lock the door, we have
just ninety minutes to find the clues to our escape. We must work as a team to
accomplish our goal. There are clues throughout the room. We can start by
looking through all the books for clues.”
Harley opened her sequined purse. “I have
a little Semtex right here. I can blow that door with no problem.”
“I don’t like being locked up.” Selina
pulled a bobby pin from her hair. “I’ll pick that lock easily.”
“For heaven’s sake!” Dolores exclaimed.
“This is a ridiculous task.” She pulled a slender stick from her sleeve and
waved it at the door. “Alohamorah.” The door swung open.
The attendant, a pimply faced teen, stood
awestruck with a bag of Cheetos in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other.
“Three minutes! That’s gotta be a record.” He peered into the room as the
ladies filed out. “It usually takes at least twenty minutes to find the
porcelain cat with the key inside.” Ivy ran her long fingers along his collar
giving him a gentle shove into the room.
Selina nudged the door closed. “I wonder
if he means this porcelain cat.” She held a blue and white statue up to the light.
She gave the feline figurine a gentle shake. Something rattled inside. “Guess
so.”
“Hello? It locks from that side,” the
attendant called out.
“Should we…” Karen took a step toward the
door.
“He’ll be fine.” Talia took her by the
elbow and guided her to the van.
Harley skipped past the van and ran into
the darkness. “See ya later bitches!” she called over her shoulder.
“Wait!” Karen called out. “We should
really stay together.” There was no reply from the darkness. She shrugged and
climbed into the van with the rest of her charges. Now I’ve lost a participant. I am so fired. Karen sighed loudly and
slumped in her seat. “I haven’t been totally honest with you ladies,” she
confessed. “I am not a life coach. I’m only a secretary. The escape room was
supposed to take much longer and I’m pretty sure this group is not interested
in macramé.” Her words tumbled out.
The usually silent Talia spoke up. “You
aren’t equipped to handle this group.”
“I know. I know.” Karen moaned.
Ivy giggled. “No one is.”
Talia continued. “Look Karen. I really am
the leader of the League of Assassins. Dolores is a wand-waving witch. Selina
is a world class cat-burglar, and I say that with admiration; and Harley is
certified crazy.”
“Her boyfriend is homicidal psycho, the
Joker.” Selina interjected.
Karen raised her head and glanced around
at the women. “And Ivy?”
“They call me Poison Ivy. I like plants.”
Ivy smiled, looking out the window.
“Ivy is something else altogether.” Selina
stretched in her seat.
Karen took a deep breath. “There’s an
actual League of Assassins?” She looked from Talia to Selina. “Acquisitions.
Funny, you know since you … but world class is, well,” she trailed off in a
daze. After a moment Karen leaned over the seat to say a few words to the
driver before turning back to her group. “Liquor store?”
Harley parked the stolen motorcycle in
front of the lodge. She could hear raucous laughter coming from the dining
room. Upon entering, she saw Karen sitting on a table as Ivy wove flowers into
her hair. She watched Karen take a long drink from a bottle of bourbon, then
hand it to Talia. Harley shouted, “Dang girls! What did I miss?”
Karen waved. “Harley, you’re back. Look
what Ivy did.” She pointed to the back of the room filled with flowers. “I
didn’t even know those ferns bloomed.” Then she noted in horror the red stains
on Harley’s white t-shirt. “You promised you weren’t going to kill anyone.” Her
speech slurred. “Harrely, you didn’t. Did you?”
Harley glanced at her shirt. “Oh no, no,
no. I didn’t. Promised the Doc, you know. Don’t look at me like that,” she
giggled. “I had a jelly doughnut. A girl needs a snack, ya know.”
“And did you bring enough for everyone?”
Dolores chirped, daintily sipping gin from a teacup.
Harley rolled her eyes. “No!”
The collected ladies glared at her. Selina
reached for the dagger in her boot. Talia’s hand went to the sword concealed in
her long gray sweater. Harley threw up her hands. “Well, I don’t know who’s
doing carbs.”
“Ooooh.” The ladies nodded in unison.
“Yep. Makes sense.” Karen agreed. She
breathed a sigh of relief.
“Today is not a cheat day.” Selina purred.
Talia
shrugged. “I’m doing keto anyway.”
Karen laid her head on the table,
giggling. “I like doughnuts.”
Sunlight filtered through the wall of
foliage creeping over the windows. Karen awoke with a start. “Ow.” She moaned
softly, cradling her head in her hands. “Never drink again.” As her feet hit
the floor she noted the unsettling silence. She blinked to focus. The pounding
in her skull made it difficult. On the bedside table was a bottle of water and a
stack of papers. After downing half the bottle, she read the note on top.
Dear Karen,
We all agreed that one day was all
the team building we needed. (As evidence, we all agreed.) You showed us a good
time and we got through the night without any bloodshed. Here are the
evaluations for the event. We each gave you a great review.
With fondness,
Dolores Umbridge
Talia Al Ghul
Harley Quinn
Selina Kyle
Ivy
P.S. Ivy says the “botanicals” she
put in your water will help with the hangover and should kick in quickly.
Karen grinned as her head swam and knees
buckled. I gotta find a new job.
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